Parent wellbeing

What helps

• Take devices out of the bedroom at night. A bright screen in a dark bedroom works against sleep. Charge devices in the kitchen overnight.
• Start winding down 30 to 45 minutes before bed. Go through bath, teeth, pyjamas, reading and low lights in the same order each night. The brain reads the sequence as “sleep is coming” and starts releasing melatonin, so it’s the predictability that makes it work.

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• A Plan Made in a Good Week. Agree a plan with your children in a good week, so nobody has to guess on a bad day.
  • Make the plan in a good week, not on the bad day.
  • Agree one emergency rule: if they cannot wake you or think you are in danger, emergency help first, then a named adult.
  • Coram Family Lives suggests agreeing a plan with your children for the bad times, and we’d add only that it’s best made in a good week, calmly, perhaps over a weekend breakfast. Agree who they can call, who will do the school run if you can’t, and what you’ll say to each other on a hard day, so that nobody has to guess. And one simple rule for an emergency: if they cannot wake you, you are hurt, or they think you are in danger, they call for emergency help first and ring a named adult second.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/a-plan-made-in-a-good-week
• Asking for Help That Feels Like Failing. A specific request for help gets a yes or a no; a general one gets sympathy.
  • Ask for one specific thing: “Can you collect her on Thursday?”
  • Contact your local branch first: Home-Start UK visits families across the country.
  • “Can I drop her at yours on Saturday morning while I see the GP?”
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/asking-for-help-that-feels-like-failing
• The Fear That Stops You Asking. Many parents fear that asking for help will cost them their children, but what usually follows asking is help.
  • Name the fear to yourself: it is common, and what usually follows asking is help.
  • Book the GP, or in England refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.
  • If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or your children safe, do not wait for the GP: use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of this page. Say if your child is with you; it means the person helping can think about your child as well as you.
  • For most people, the first step is the GP.
  • In England you can also refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies for anxiety and depression, without a GP appointment; the NHS website will find your local service.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-fear-that-stops-you-asking

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

A plan for a bad day, made in a good week. A one-page plan, made calmly with your children: who they can call, who does the school run, and what you say to each other on a hard day.

What it is for. This is for a parent living with low mood, anxiety or another condition that comes and goes. A bad day is easier on everyone when the family has already thought about what happens on one.

• The first step. Choose a good week to do this, and a calm time within it.
• Agree one rule for an emergency, and keep it simple: if they cannot wake you, you are hurt, or they think you are in danger, they call for emergency help first and ring the adult named on the plan second. For anything else, they ring that adult. Say plainly that looking after you is not their job; the rule is only about fetching help.

Safety. The printable carries only the emergency route; the names and numbers of the adults who can help are for you to write in together.

When to get help. If you are not safe, or not sure you can keep yourself or someone else safe, do not wait for the plan: use the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, straight away. For everything else, the GP is the first step, and in England you can refer yourself to NHS Talking Therapies.

The other three steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• When You Are Not All Right. For parents whose own mental health is part of what’s going on at home. theparentbook.com/reader/when-you-are-not-all-right
• The Hour Before Bed. For parents whose child’s bedtime has turned into an hour of worries, questions and meltdowns. theparentbook.com/reader/the-hour-before-bed

Worth your time

• A book for you: Matrescence, Lucy Jones. A science writer explores the physical, psychological and social transformation of becoming a mother, drawing on research and her own experience. Validating for anyone changed by motherhood in ways no one mentioned. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/matrescence-on-the-metamorphosis-of-pregnancy-childbirth-and-motherhood-lucy-jones/94be607d43135365
• Something to watch: How do I know if I have postnatal depression? | NHS, NHS, YouTube. An NHS film on how postnatal depression differs from the baby blues, what the signs are, and why speaking to a GP or health visitor early matters. Calm and unfrightening. www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBlVBOP7TGc
• Something to listen to: The Therapy Edit, Anna Mathur. Therapist Anna Mathur’s listener-question show on anxiety, guilt, resentment and early motherhood. It has finished, but the archive remains good company for a parent who is struggling themselves. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-therapy-edit/id1505968557

Who else can help

You can refer yourself. You do not need anyone’s permission, and you do not need to be in crisis to qualify.

• NHS Talking Therapies. Free NHS therapy for adults in England, for anxiety and low mood. You can refer yourself; you do not need to go through your GP first. For the parent. A great many of the parents we sit with are carrying something of their own, and waiting for someone to ask. www.nhs.uk/service-search/mental-health/find-an-NHS-talking-therapies-service
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• Mind. The UK’s mental health charity. Pages written for parents of a struggling young person, an Infoline that points you to the right service, and a Support Line that will simply listen. When your own reserves are running low and you want to talk to someone who is not the GP, your partner or a friend. Not for a crisis. Not a crisis line. If tonight is urgent, use the numbers at the top of this sheet. Charged at your standard call rate, not free. Mind Infoline 0300 123 3393 · Mon-Fri 9am-6pm (except bank holidays) · Mind Support Line 0300 102 1234, Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, for emotional support rather than signposting · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.mind.org.uk/for-young-people/information-for-parents
• Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
• Family Action FamilyLine. A free helpline for adults on family relationships, conflict, parenting, caring and money, by phone, text, email or chat, with befriending or short counselling if it would help. When the strain is on you and there is no one to say it to. FamilyLine 0808 802 6666 · Mon-Fri 9am-5pm; closed bank holidays. Out of hours, text FAMILYACTION to 85258 family-action.org.uk/get-support/familyline

The full list for parent wellbeing, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/parent-wellbeing/services