Anxiety
Anxiety
Anxiety is one of the most common things parents bring to us in therapy, and it looks different at each age: the toddler who won’t be put down, the seven-year-old who can’t sleep, the teenager who has stopped going to school. These pages are for parents at any of those stages, because what helps changes as a child grows.
What the library says about this, on one page. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/anxiety
What to do first
Anxiety is one of the most treatable things children bring to us. It’s the body deciding something is dangerous before the thinking part of the brain has had a say, and it isn’t a flaw in your child’s character, or in yours.
- Tonight, don’t argue with the worry. Name it: “Your body has decided that’s dangerous, and I can see how hard that is.” Naming it does more than reasoning with it.
- This week, notice what she’s avoiding, and pick the smallest possible version of it to do together. Avoidance is what keeps anxiety going, and avoiding slightly less is all you’re aiming for.
- Tell the school: a form tutor who knows will handle a Monday morning differently, and you’ll no longer be the only adult dealing with it.
What helps
- Stay calm first, talk later. Sit close and slow your own breathing. Being next to a calm adult helps a child’s body settle, and that does more than anything clever you could say. Save the words for when the worst has passed.
- Name the feeling out loud. Try “That sounds really hard” or “You look really worried.” Naming the feeling makes it seem less strange, and it shifts brain activity from the alarm centre towards the language centre.
- Praise effort, behaviour and process, never just results. Say “You kept going when that was hard”, not “You’re so clever”. The first tells her what worked; the second adds pressure.
- Admit your own mistakes out loud. Do it often: “I burnt the dinner.” “I forgot the appointment.” “I read the email wrong.” Your child copies how you deal with your own mistakes far more than anything you tell them.
Some tips to try
Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.
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When the Worry Will Not Settle.
An anxious child rarely tells you she’s worried; it comes out as stomach aches, refusals and repeated questions.
- Name what her body is doing, briefly, in plain language.
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The Child Who Looks Fine.
A teenager with good grades and teachers who say she’s fine can still be anxious and exhausted.
- Take the tiredness and irritability seriously alongside the good marks.
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The Party She Cannot Walk Into.
Her stomach ache is real, and pushing her through party after party makes the next one harder.
- Arrive ten minutes early, before the room fills up.
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Something to do together
A way back to the room. A short noticing game, and for younger children a slow breath traced with a finger. Practise them together on calm days, so she already knows them on a hard one.
What it is for. In our experience, an anxious child is helped more by something she can do herself than by reassurance. If she learns this when nothing is wrong, she will already know it on a harder day.
- The first step. Choose a calm day and tell her what it is: “This is something people do when a worry gets loud. Let’s try it now, while nothing’s wrong.”
Safety. After something frightening, let her choose her senses, and do not ask her to close her eyes.
When to get help. This is practice, not a treatment. Talk to your GP about recurring panic, worry that stops her going to school, sleeping or eating, frightening intrusive thoughts, or several weeks of waking in fear. If she tells you that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she does not want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.
The other five steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
If you want to read further
- When Reassurance Stops Working. For parents whose child is anxious and can’t be talked out of it, however often the adults around her try. theparentbook.com/reader/not-feeling-in-control
- Anxiety, by Age. For parents whose child’s worry has started to make decisions for her, with what helps at each age and when to ask for help. theparentbook.com/reader/anxiety-by-age
Worth your time
- A book for you: Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD, Eli R. Lebowitz. Built on the SPACE programme from Yale, this guide helps parents notice how they accommodate a child’s anxiety or OCD and step back supportively, even when the child will not take part. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/breaking-free-of-child-anxiety-and-ocd-a-scientifically-proven-program-for-parents-eli-r-lebowitz/89c5aa01ef2fbe74
- A book to read together: All Birds Have Anxiety, Kathy Hoopmann. Photographs of birds looking startled, huddled or ruffled carry a simple text on what anxiety does to body and mind. Many children find the humour opens a conversation that direct questions would close. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/all-birds-have-anxiety-an-affirming-introduction-to-anxiety-kathy-hoopmann/5ea8b018809507bb
- Something to watch: 10 Tips for Parenting Anxious Kids | Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, YouTube. Ten concise tips from a clinical psychologist, including not avoiding everything that frightens a child, expressing confidence rather than fear, and keeping the anticipation period short. www.youtube.com/watch?v=c5ASysmOH_I
- Something to listen to: 94: My Clingy Teen Hates Going to School. How Do I Help?, Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life, 31 min. Lisa Damour on a teenager whose anxiety makes school, and adults outside the home, very hard, and how to help her back out into the world. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/94-my-clingy-teen-hates-going-to-school-how-do-i-help/id1525689066?i=1000586229515
Who else can help
For almost everything, the NHS is the right first move, and it costs nothing.
- Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp
- NHS 111, and Lifeline in Northern Ireland. The mental health crisis line for your area. Free, confidential and answered twenty-four hours a day, every day of the year. When you or your child is in mental health crisis and it will not wait for a GP appointment. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health optionNorthern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000
- YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
- NHS: mental health advice for parents and carers. The NHS’s pages for parents, in one place: anxiety, low mood, anger, bereavement, arguments with teenagers, exam stress, and how to talk about feelings. When you want the NHS’s own account before anyone else’s. www.nhs.uk/mental-health/children-and-young-adults/advice-for-parents
- Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
The full list for anxiety, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/anxiety/services
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.
Everything the library holds on anxiety
Go further
Chapters
- When Reassurance Stops WorkingFor parents whose child is anxious and can’t be talked out of it, however often the adults around her try.
- Anxiety, by AgeFor parents whose child’s worry has started to make decisions for her, with what helps at each age and when to ask for help.
- PerfectionismFor parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong.
- What to Do When School Is the ProblemFor parents whose child has started dreading school.
- The 11+ YearFor parents whose child is preparing for school entrance exams.
- When You Are Not All RightFor parents whose own mental health is part of what’s going on at home.
- The Move to Secondary SchoolFor parents whose child is about to go from being one of the oldest in her school to one of the youngest.
- Trauma in ChildhoodFor parents whose child has been through something hard, or whose family has.
- When Your Child Is Being BulliedFor parents whose child has just told them she is being bullied.
- When Your Child Is Working Out Who They AreFor parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it.
Quick tips
- When the Worry Will Not SettleAn anxious child rarely tells you she’s worried; it comes out as stomach aches, refusals and repeated questions.
- The Child Who Looks FineA teenager with good grades and teachers who say she’s fine can still be anxious and exhausted.
- The Party She Cannot Walk IntoHer stomach ache is real, and pushing her through party after party makes the next one harder.
- When Ambition Is Really AnxietyAn anxious high achiever can look exactly like a teenager with healthy ambition.
- When She Is Frightened at NightAt this age a monster can feel real, so what settles her is a room that stays the same all night and a parent who comes back when promised.
- When the Medication ChangesA change in her dose is information, and in most cases it doesn’t mean anything is going wrong.
- The Day She Gets a Mental Health DiagnosisA diagnosis puts a name to what she has been going through.
- The Week Before the ExamsIn the week before exams, protect her sleep, her meals and some peace at home.
- School Re-entry After a Long AbsenceAfter a long absence, her place at school is still there, but stepping back into it takes planning.
- Sunday Evening Has Started HurtingWhen Sunday evenings start to hurt, there is usually more than one reason, so slow down before deciding which conversation to have.
Quick tips open with a subscription.
Things to do together
- A way back to the roomA short noticing game, and for younger children a slow breath traced with a finger. Practise them together on calm days, so she already knows them on a hard one.
- One step at a timeFor an everyday fear, such as dogs, the dark or a new club: together you write the steps from easiest to hardest, and she practises each one until it feels easy before she moves up.
- Worry time, not at bedtimeTen minutes at the same time each afternoon for her worries. If one comes up at another time, you listen, write it down and save it for then.
- Where a feeling sitsOn a plain outline of a body, she marks where she first notices anger, worry and sadness.
- After a mockThe same routine after every practice paper: collect her, give her something to eat, walk home, and ask nothing about the paper that day.
- The route, twice, and the mapBefore term, do the route once together and once with her leading, and draw the few rooms that matter.
Activities open with a subscription.
To print
A way back to the room
Pocket card · A4, four cards to cut, two sides · PDF, 68 KB · With a subscription
The worry ladder
To fill in together · A4 · PDF, 58 KB · Free
Before you see the GP about your child
For an appointment · A4, two sides · PDF, 72 KB · Free
Where a feeling sits
To make together · A4, two sides · PDF, 62 KB · With a subscription
After a mock
For the fridge · A4, four cards to cut · PDF, 55 KB · With a subscription
Before you ring the school
For a call or a meeting · A4 · PDF, 58 KB · Free
Worry, mood and big feelings
Low moodEmotional regulationCo-regulationGeneral mental healthTrauma