Difficult conversations

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• The Day She Asked About Sex. Give a brief, accurate answer when your child asks how babies are made, then stop.
  • Answer at the level she asked it, and keep it brief, accurate and matter-of-fact.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-day-she-asked-about-sex
• The Talk Before It Is Needed. Aim for eighteen short conversations about puberty over two or three years, starting early.
  • Start talking about puberty early, briefly and in passing, before it’s urgent.
  • Start talking about puberty early, briefly and in passing, long before anyone in the family has an urgent reason to. When a seven-year-old asks why her older cousin’s voice sounds different, answer her then and there. Do the same when an eight-year-old comments on the bra on the washing line: “Yes, that’s what bodies do as they get older. It happens to everyone. We can talk about it more if you want.” Then move on to something else. She has the information, and she knows it’s a subject the family doesn’t flinch at.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-talk-before-it-is-needed
• Answering Her Questions About Her Past. When a fostered child asks about her past, take the question seriously and ask her social worker about it together.
  • Tell her the question is real, without filling in the gaps.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-conversations-you-cannot-have

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

The walk with no agenda. Walk with her at the same time each week, side by side. Some weeks she will talk, and you still go on the weeks she does not.

What it is for. Many children say the hardest things when nobody is looking straight at them. A regular walk gives her a chance to say them, without any pressure to.

• The first step. Choose a time you can keep most weeks, and a route you both know. A familiar walk is easy to start.

Safety. For under-fives, hold hands near traffic; the looking walk is best on a quiet route.

When to get help. If she tells you that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she does not want to be alive, finish the walk calmly, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If a change in her mood or behaviour lasts for several weeks, gets worse, or begins to affect sleep, eating or school, talk to her school and your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• The Conversations Parents Avoid. For parents who need to tell their child something hard and don’t know how to start. theparentbook.com/reader/the-conversations-parents-avoid
• When You Are Not All Right. For parents whose own mental health is part of what’s going on at home. theparentbook.com/reader/when-you-are-not-all-right

Worth your time

• A book for you: The Opposite of Spoiled, Ron Lieber. A financial journalist on talking openly with children about money, including pocket money, work, giving and what the family can afford. American in detail, but the principles translate. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/the-opposite-of-spoiled-raising-kids-who-are-grounded-generous-and-smart-about-money-ron-lieber/d8a0285e70c49777
• A book to read together: Something Bad Happened: A Kid’s Guide to Coping With Events in the News, Dawn Huebner. For children unsettled by frightening news, such as attacks, wars or disasters. It explains what happened in general terms, why adults react as they do, and how to feel safer, with space for questions. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/something-bad-happened-a-kid-s-guide-to-coping-with-events-in-the-news-dawn-phd-huebner/6e4bb9ebcef3bb37
• Something to watch: Brené Brown on Empathy, Brené Brown, YouTube. A three-minute animation on the difference between empathy and sympathy, why “at least” rarely helps, and what connection sounds like. Teenagers tend to enjoy it too. www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw
• Something to listen to: Episode 195 - Dr Cassie Rhodes Talks with Professor Louise Dalton: Talking to Children and Teens about Serious Illness, Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators, 48 min. Oxford researcher Louise Dalton explains why being open and honest with children about a parent’s or relative’s serious illness protects their mental health, and how to begin those conversations, with advice for schools. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/episode-195-dr-cassie-rhodes-talks-with-professor/id1450644258?i=1000705587764

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
• Action for Children Parent Talk. A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life. When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral. Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions parents.actionforchildren.org.uk

The full list for difficult conversations, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/difficult-conversations/services