Sibling conflict

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• The Second Child, and the First. When a new baby arrives, every first child wants to know whether she is still the one.
  • Carve out ten exclusive minutes a day with the first child.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-second-child-and-the-first
• The Sibling Who Has Noticed Everything. She has already noticed something is different at home, so tell her briefly what it is.
  • Tell her briefly, in the car, and use the clinical name.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-explanations-no-one-has-offered-her
• The Sibling Who Stops Asking. While one child struggles, the other may become very easy to live with and keep her worries to herself.
  • Keep something every week that’s hers alone, such as bath time, bedtime or her swimming.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-quiet-sibling-at-bath-time

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

Time alone with each child. A regular time with each of your children on her own, doing something she chooses. Keep it short enough to protect every week.

What it is for. It’s hard for brothers and sisters to share their parents’ attention. A child who can count on time that is hers alone has less reason to fight over the time that has to be shared.

• The first step. Find a slot for each child that you can keep: fifteen minutes after the youngest is in bed, the walk to Saturday swimming, breakfast out once a month with a teenager. Put each one in the diary.

Safety. Make the time when another adult is in the house or the youngest is asleep. Don’t leave a young child on her own to free up time for another.

When to get help. If, in your time together, she tells you that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she does not want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If one child is regularly hurt or frightened by a brother or sister, step in each time and make sure she is safe, and talk to your GP or her school if it goes on. If a child becomes withdrawn or anxious, stops talking to you or falls behind at school for several weeks, talk to her school and your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• Siblings and the Fights That Aren’t Fair. For parents whose children keep finding new ways to fall out with each other. theparentbook.com/reader/siblings-and-the-fights-that-arent-fair

Worth your time

• A book for you: Calm Parents, Happy Siblings, Laura Markham. A clinical psychologist on reducing sibling conflict by first calming the parent, then coaching children through their fights. Includes scripts for new babies, jealousy and physical aggression. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/calm-parents-happy-siblings-how-to-stop-the-fighting-and-raise-friends-for-life-dr-laura-markham/c3744a264a2dedce
• A book to read together: The Sibling Survival Guide: Surefire Ways to Solve Conflicts, Reduce Rivalry, and Have More Fun with Brothers and Sisters, Dawn Huebner. A clinical psychologist speaks directly to children about fighting, jealousy, teasing and fairness between brothers and sisters, with strategies to try and a wry sense of humour. Useful for both siblings to read. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/the-sibling-survival-guide-surefire-ways-to-solve-conflicts-reduce-rivalry-and-have-more-fun-with-your-brothers-and-sisters-dawn-huebner/b3b3d3bd1dcf67ba
• Something to watch: How Parents Can Reduce Sibling Rivalry, Dr Laura Markham, YouTube. Clinical psychologist Laura Markham on the root causes of sibling rivalry and what parents can do day to day to lower the temperature between brothers and sisters. www.youtube.com/watch?v=ekqY7acnaW0
• Something to listen to: Sibling rivalry, Prisoner of war diaries, Inflammation and depression, All in the Mind, 28 min. UK clinical psychologist Linda Blair tells Claudia Hammond why sibling rivalry is normal, how it can be handled, and why it even has an upside. The sibling segment opens this Radio 4 episode. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/sibling-rivalry-prisoner-of-war-diaries-inflammation/id643660675?i=1000394542698

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
• Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
• Action for Children Parent Talk. A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life. When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral. Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions parents.actionforchildren.org.uk

The full list for sibling conflict, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/sibling-conflict/services