Online safety

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• When the AI Becomes Her Confidant. If your child confides in a chatbot, tell her what it is and keep her talking to real people.
  • Tell her briefly, in the car, what the chatbot is, without making it a confrontation.
  • Make sure she still has people to talk to: you, the school counsellor, a real friend.
  • Watch for downloading conversations that an adult should hear.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/when-the-ai-becomes-her-confidant
• Ask What She Watches, Not How Long. Asking what she watches online is harder than timing it, and more useful.
  • Ask what she watched this week, not how long.
  • Screen-time advice usually counts hours: how long, when, in which rooms. The harder and more useful question is what she is watching. A child can spend two hours a day on cookery videos and animal clips and be doing nothing a parent would worry about. Another child can spend twenty minutes a day on a platform that has, in a fortnight, served her a hundred pieces of content about self-harm, because she paused on one and the algorithm decided that was who she was.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/asking-what-not-how-long
• Before the First Loot Box. Have the money conversation, and set the controls, before she plays a game with a shop in it.
  • Turn off in-game purchases, or set a limit, before she starts.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/before-the-first-loot-box

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

Play her game with her. She picks a game she plays and teaches you how it works. You play beside her as a beginner, and find out what the game involves, including who she can talk to in it.

What it is for. For many children, games are where they relax and where they spend time with their friends. Playing one with her shows her you’re interested in something she cares about, and it teaches you what the game involves: who she can talk to in it, what it costs and how she would block someone.

• The first step. Ask her to choose the game and teach you: “Will you show me how to play this? I’ll probably be hopeless.” Let her pick a time that suits her, and not one that cuts into playing with her friends.

Safety. Check the age rating, and what the game lets players do: chat, voice and buying things. Use the console’s or the game’s settings to limit who can talk to her, and so that nothing can be bought without you. Don’t store a payment card on the console or in the app. Screens off about an hour before bed, and the console stays out of her bedroom overnight.

When to get help. If you learn that someone in a game has asked her for pictures or personal details, asked to meet her or asked her to move to another app, or that there is a sexual image of a child, stay calm, do not blame her, and leave everything as it is (do not look further, copy, forward or delete). Act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, and tell the school’s designated safeguarding lead. If she tells you that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she does not want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day in the same way. If for several weeks gaming has come before sleep, meals and washing, she has dropped things she used to enjoy, or she only sees her friends online, talk to her school and your GP.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• Your Child’s Online World. For parents who have seen something on their child’s phone that they can’t unsee. theparentbook.com/reader/online-life-beyond-screens
• When Your Child Is Being Bullied. For parents whose child has just told them she is being bullied. theparentbook.com/reader/when-your-child-is-being-bullied

Worth your time

• A book for you: Children, Technology and Healthy Development, Catherine Knibbs. A UK child therapist who specialises in online harm explains, stage by stage, how technology meets children’s developing brains and bodies, and what staying safe looks like at each age. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/children-technology-and-healthy-development-how-to-help-kids-be-safe-and-thrive-online-catherine-knibbs/38d43eda802b8899
• A book to read together: Chicken Clicking, Jeanne Willis. Chick sneaks onto the farmer’s computer, shops online and arranges to meet a new friend, who turns out to be a fox. A rhyming cautionary tale for starting conversations about who we talk to online. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/chicken-clicking-jeanne-willis/64b0f9384b3401b6
• Something to watch: How to Help Children Use AI Safely | Internet Matters, Internet Matters, YouTube. A short guide to helping children use AI chatbots and tools safely, including privacy, checking what AI tells them and knowing when to talk to an adult. www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtlwqroazeQ
• Something to listen to: Episode 192 - Dr Kathy Weston and Dr Elly Hanson Share Thoughts on Netflix’s Adolescence, Get a Grip - Evidence-Based Conversations for Parents and Educators, 48 min. Clinical psychologist Elly Hanson, who works on abuse and online harms, discusses the themes raised by Netflix’s Adolescence and the practical steps parents and schools can take. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/episode-192-dr-kathy-weston-and-dr-elly-hanson-share/id1450644258?i=1000702990319

Who else can help

If something has happened to your child online, this is a safeguarding conversation before it is anything else.

• The designated safeguarding lead at your child’s school. Every school has one, by law. They are trained for exactly this conversation and they have the routes a parent does not. As soon as you have a concern about a child’s safety. Ask for them by role; you do not have to explain yourself to the office first.
• The NSPCC helpline, for adults worried about a child. A line for the adult who is not sure whether what they have noticed is serious. You do not need to be certain, and you can call anonymously. When something has been said or seen and you do not know what to do with it. They will tell you whether it needs to go further, and help you take that step. Helpline 0808 800 5000, Monday to Friday 10am to 4pm Email help@nspcc.org.uk, read 11am to 4pm, seven days a week; a message sent while the service is closed is not received. If it is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101, or contact the child’s local children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999. www.nspcc.org.uk

• Internet Matters. Step-by-step guides to the settings on every device and app, advice by age from nought to eighteen, and guides to AI tools and gaming. When you need to actually change something on a phone tonight. The most practical online safety source in the UK. www.internetmatters.org/advice
• Childnet. Guides to having the conversation, by age, on gaming, sharing images, online bullying and where the line is, from one of the charities behind the UK Safer Internet Centre. When the settings are done and the talking is the hard part. www.childnet.com/parents-and-carers
• CEOP (the police’s online child protection command). The National Crime Agency’s child protection command. Their parents’ pages explain grooming, image sharing and gaming risks calmly, and the CEOP Safety Centre is where you report an adult who has contacted your child online. When what has happened online may be a crime: an adult asking for images or personal details, or pressure on your child to share pictures. Report at ceop.police.uk/safety-centre. To report something, use the CEOP Safety Centre at ceop.police.uk/safety-centre. www.ceopeducation.co.uk/parents

The full list for online safety, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/online-safety/services