Self-esteem

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• Praise That Tells Her Something. Describe what she did and how she did it, which tells her far more than a verdict on how clever she is.
  • Describe what she did: “You kept going when it got hard, and you checked your answer.”
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/praise-that-tells-her-something
• The Party She Was Not Invited To. A party for four and a whole class minus one mean different things, so find out which it was, and let her be sad before you try to fix it.
  • Find out how many children were asked before you decide what it means.
  • Have one friend round soon, and tell her teacher if she’s left out on purpose again and again.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-party-she-was-not-invited-to
• The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle. When a perfectionist child tears up her maths, she’s upset about what getting it wrong says about her.
  • Praise the work she has done, not the kind of child she is.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-worksheet-torn-down-the-middle

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

The thing she can teach you. Ask her to teach you something she can do and you can’t. She runs the lesson, you get it wrong in front of her, and at the end you tell her what you learned.

What it is for. Much of a child’s day is spent being taught and corrected. Teaching you something turns that round: she’s the one who knows, you’re the one getting it wrong, and she sees you take her seriously. For a child who finds school hard, it’s a chance to be good at something in front of someone whose opinion matters to her.

• The first step. Notice something she can do that you can’t, and ask for a lesson: “Will you teach me how you do that? I’ve no idea where to start.” It can be anything she cares about, from a game to a dance to a way of drawing eyes.

When to get help. If she often says she’s useless or no good at anything, compares herself harshly with other children, or is pulling away from friends and things she used to enjoy, and it has lasted several weeks or is getting worse, talk to her school and your GP. The school may be able to link her with a mentor, or help her take on a new responsibility. If she tells you that someone is hurting her, that she is hurting herself, or that she does not want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page.

The other five steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• Perfectionism. For parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong. theparentbook.com/reader/perfectionism-and-the-child-whose-worth-feels-conditional

Worth your time

• A book for you: Kid Confidence, Eileen Kennedy-Moore. Clinical psychologist Eileen Kennedy-Moore argues that real self-esteem comes from connection, competence and choice rather than praise, and shows parents how to build all three in children aged about 5 to 12. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/kid-confidence-help-your-child-make-friends-build-resilience-and-develop-real-self-esteem-eileen-kennedy-moore/c711c83ee7de8aaa
• A book to read together: Banish Your Self-Esteem Thief, Kate Collins-Donnelly. A CBT workbook for ages 10 and up that helps young people spot the ‘thief’ of self-critical thinking and build a fairer view of themselves. Activities work best with an adult alongside. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/banish-your-self-esteem-thief-a-cognitive-behavioural-therapy-workbook-on-building-positive-self-esteem-for-young-people-kate-collins-donnelly/f5fe646a8e9ff014
• Something to watch: What Is Negative Self-Talk? - How Parents Can Help | Child Mind Institute, Child Mind Institute, YouTube. What to do when a child keeps saying “I’m stupid” or “I’m useless”: how to listen without arguing and help them find a kinder, more accurate way to talk to themselves. www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMsFbv3qqLs
• Something to listen to: 135: How Do I Combat My Kid’s Perfectionism?, Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life, 27 min. Why some children hold themselves to impossible standards, how to counter the harsh self-talk that comes with it, and when perfectionism tips into depression. Damour offers sample language parents can use. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/135-how-do-i-combat-my-kids-perfectionism/id1525689066?i=1000627569631

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
• Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
• Action for Children Parent Talk. A free one-to-one webchat with a trained parenting coach, and a library of articles by age on behaviour, sleep, neurodiversity and family life. When you want to talk it through with someone in writing, this week, without a referral. Free one-to-one webchat with a parenting coach, Mon-Fri, with evening slots on Mon and Thu; check the site for current times · Parent Talk+ by phone or video for parents of children with additional needs, up to eight free sessions parents.actionforchildren.org.uk

The full list for self-esteem, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/self-esteem/services