Perfectionism

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• The Homework Redone for the Fourth Time. If your child keeps redoing her homework because it isn’t perfect, end the session for her.
  • Interrupt the work: “That’s enough for today.”
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-homework-redone-for-the-fourth-time
• The Worksheet Torn Down the Middle. When a perfectionist child tears up her maths, she’s upset about what getting it wrong says about her.
  • Praise the work she has done, not the kind of child she is.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-worksheet-torn-down-the-middle
• Praise That Tells Her Something. Describe what she did and how she did it, which tells her far more than a verdict on how clever she is.
  • Describe what she did: “You kept going when it got hard, and you checked your answer.”
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/praise-that-tells-her-something

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

A mistake each, at a weekly meal. Once a week, at one meal, everyone says one thing they got wrong, starting with you. Nobody comments on anyone else’s.

What it is for. In our experience, a child who fears mistakes is helped more by hearing adults make them, calmly and often, than by being told mistakes do not matter.

• The first step. Explain it once, and keep it light: “Every week at this meal, we’re each going to say one thing we got wrong.”

When to get help. If her fear of getting things wrong is stopping her from starting work, sleeping, or going to school, or her mood has been low for several weeks, talk to her school and your GP. The routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, are for when it cannot wait.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• Perfectionism. For parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong. theparentbook.com/reader/perfectionism-and-the-child-whose-worth-feels-conditional

Worth your time

• A book for you: Overcoming Perfectionism, Roz Shafran, Sarah Egan and Tracey Wade. A CBT self-help workbook from leading perfectionism researchers, written for adults and older teenagers. Useful for a parent who recognises their own perfectionism, or to work through alongside a 16 to 18-year-old. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/overcoming-perfectionism-2nd-edition-a-self-help-guide-using-scientifically-supported-cognitive-behavioural-techniques-roz-shafran/4aaf6fff8dee3b73
• A book to read together: Beautiful Oops!, Barney Saltzberg. Tears, spills and smudges on each page become new pictures through flaps and folds. An interactive book that shows very young children mistakes can be the start of something good. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/beautiful-oops-barney-saltzberg/dae8997482303788
• Something to watch: My child thinks they need to be perfect | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart, Place2Be, YouTube. For the child who tears up work that isn’t perfect: how to notice effort, share your own mistakes and make it safe to get things wrong. www.youtube.com/watch?v=SV6Lh8aB2NM
• Something to listen to: 135: How Do I Combat My Kid’s Perfectionism?, Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life, 27 min. Why some children hold themselves to impossible standards, how to counter the harsh self-talk that comes with it, and when perfectionism tips into depression. Damour offers sample language parents can use. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/135-how-do-i-combat-my-kids-perfectionism/id1525689066?i=1000627569631

Who else can help

This usually starts at school rather than at the surgery. The adults who see your child every day are the first people to tell, and often the fastest route to a change. The GP is there if it persists or deepens.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
• Place2Be. Parenting Smart, written by the child mental health specialists who work in primary schools: short, practical articles and films on friendships, behaviour, worries and routines. For a child of five to eleven, when you want something you can read in ten minutes and try tonight. Place2Be’s counselling itself is only through partner schools. parentingsmart.place2be.org.uk
• Anna Freud. The Anna Freud Centre’s family wellbeing resources: careful, research-led reading on children’s emotional development, separation, self-care for parents, and supporting a child through treatment. When you want depth from a clinical source rather than a quick explainer. Reading only; there is no helpline. www.annafreud.org/resources/family-wellbeing

The full list for perfectionism, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/perfectionism/services