Gender identity

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• Finding the Words for Gender and Sexuality. Ask her which words she uses, use them, and let her tell you when you get it wrong.
  • Ask once, lightly: “What words do you use? Tell me when I get it wrong.”
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-language-you-dont-quite-have
• The Long Question of Who They Are. A teenager needs to be able to try out a thought aloud before they know whether it fits.
  • Start with: “Thank you for telling me. I love you. I want to understand.”
  • If your teenager tells you something personal, reassure them about your relationship before anything else: “Thank you for telling me. I love you. I want to understand.” Then ask: “Is there anything you want me to do, or would you rather I just knew?” Ask who else knows, and who they would want to know. What they have told you is theirs to tell, so it does not go to relatives, friends or school without their permission, and who they are is never, on its own, a reason to tell anyone. Safety overrides that: if someone is hurting them, if they are hurting themselves, or if they have talked about not wanting to be here, say what you need to do and why, and stay beside them while you do it.
  • You may need time yourself, too. Take your own questions to another adult you trust, or to a counsellor, so your teenager doesn’t have to settle them for you. If you want to talk to a parent who has been where you are, there is a parent-run charity for the parents and families of LGBT+ people, and its helpline is answered by parents. FFLAG (parents and families of LGBT+ people), 0300 688 0368. Wed-Thu 10am-8pm; Fri-Sat 10am-6pm. Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. Anna Freud’s family-wellbeing pages cover looking after yourself while you are supporting your child, which is the part parents most often skip. The lines below are for you as much as for them.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-long-question-of-who-she-is
• When She Comes Out at Twelve. When she tells you something that doesn’t fit what the family assumed, keep your first reply brief and warm.
  • Keep your answer brief and warm: “Thank you for telling me. I love you.”
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-small-declaration-at-twelve

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

If you want to read further

• When Your Child Is Working Out Who They Are. For parents whose child has raised a question about who they are, and who weren’t prepared for it. theparentbook.com/reader/when-your-child-is-working-out-who-they-are

Who else can help

A child’s questions about gender are not, in themselves, something to treat, and the first conversations are usually at home. Ask your child what they would like the school to know, then talk to the school, so the adults who see them every day can help. See the GP if your child is distressed, low or withdrawn. The GP is also the way into NHS services: in England, a referral to the NHS children and young people’s gender service comes through a paediatrician or CAMHS, and the GP can refer to either.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• Your GP. The gateway to everything the NHS offers a child: paediatric assessment, a referral to CAMHS, and support for you as the parent. Ask for a double appointment. Describe the pattern over weeks rather than the worst single day, and say plainly what you are worried about. Bring a written list; the ten minutes go quickly. www.nhs.uk/service-search/find-a-gp

• Brook. The young people’s sexual health charity. Calm pages for parents on puberty, periods and talking about sex and relationships at home. When the question has arrived in the back of the car. Reading; the clinics are for young people themselves. www.brook.org.uk/parents-and-carers
• YoungMinds. The UK’s young people’s mental health charity, with a free Parents Helpline, webchat and email, and a plain A to Z of the things parents worry about. When you want to talk through a worry about your child with someone who has heard it before, or read a clear first explanation of a named concern. Not a crisis line. Parents Helpline 0808 802 5544 · Mon, Thu, Fri 9.30am-4pm; Tue, Wed 9.30am-6pm · Webchat Mon-Fri 9.30am-4pm; email parents@youngminds.org.uk · Outside those hours the parents line is closed. The urgent routes on this page are open when it is not. www.youngminds.org.uk/parent/parents-helpline
• Mind. The UK’s mental health charity. Pages written for parents of a struggling young person, an Infoline that points you to the right service, and a Support Line that will simply listen. When your own reserves are running low and you want to talk to someone who is not the GP, your partner or a friend. Not for a crisis. Not a crisis line. If tonight is urgent, use the numbers at the top of this sheet. Charged at your standard call rate, not free. Mind Infoline 0300 123 3393 · Mon-Fri 9am-6pm (except bank holidays) · Mind Support Line 0300 102 1234, Mon-Fri 9am-6pm, for emotional support rather than signposting · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.mind.org.uk/for-young-people/information-for-parents

The full list for gender identity, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/gender-identity/services