Co-parenting
Co-parenting
These pages are about raising a child with another adult: a partner, a former partner or a step-parent, sometimes across two cultures. They’re for the small disagreements that turn into big ones, and for the stability a child needs from both of you.
What the library says about this, on one page. It is also online at theparentbook.com/help/co-parenting
What to do first
You don’t have to like each other, or agree, to co-parent well, but you do have to be predictable. Children can manage two different households. What they struggle with is two households at war.
- Take the logistics off your child. Use a shared calendar or a written handover message, so she’s never the one passing information between you.
- Pick the two rules that will be the same in both homes, and let the rest differ. Trying to match everything is how co-parenting fails.
- When you’re stuck, take it to a mediator or a solicitor, not to your child. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators by area.
Some tips to try
Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.
-
Her Side of the Handover.
The moments either side of a handover are easier when her things are already in both homes, the goodbye is predictable, and nobody asks questions the minute she walks in.
- Keep what she needs at both homes, so she packs only what matters to her.
-
Telling the Children About the Separation.
A child usually remembers the second conversation about a separation, when she asks what’s been on her mind.
- Have the conversation together, in one room, calmly and briefly.
-
The Diary Across Two Houses.
A child living between two homes has a lot to keep track of, so give her a shared diary.
- Print a colour-coded week on the fridge at her eye level.
The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.
Something to do together
The week on the fridge. Her week across two homes, drawn in colour with her and put up at her eye level, so that she does not have to keep it all in her head.
What it is for. A child living between two homes often keeps the week in her head: which house, which night, who collects. If the adults keep it on paper where she can see it, she does not have to.
- The first step. Agree the dates between the adults first, where you can, and not in front of her. The sheet shows what has been decided.
Safety. Where there are safety concerns about contact, keep addresses and details off the sheet, and do not post photographs of it. If it moves to her phone, share it only with the adults, and check that it shows no location.
When to get help. Some upset around handovers is a normal part of grief and change, and so is some reluctance to leave either home. If she seems frightened to go, notice what she says in her own words, do not question her or ask her to choose, and talk to your GP or her school. If she comes back hurt, tells you that someone is hurting her in either home, or tells you that she does not want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If she is withdrawing from friends or school, or her mood has been low for several weeks, talk to your GP and her school.
The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.
If you want to read further
- When Parents Separate. For parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping. theparentbook.com/reader/separating-what-your-child-is-doing-with-it
Worth your time
- A book for you: Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships, Patricia L. Papernow. A psychologist who has studied stepfamilies for decades names the predictable challenges, such as insider and outsider positions and competing loyalties, and what research says helps. Readable for parents, not only therapists. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/surviving-and-thriving-in-stepfamily-relationships-what-works-and-what-doesn-t-patricia-l-papernow/483beb8258f37899
- A book to read together: Living with Mum and Living with Dad, Melanie Walsh. A lift-the-flap book showing a small girl’s two homes side by side: two beds, two sets of toys, one cat at Mum’s and a garden at Dad’s. Concrete and cheerful for toddlers learning two routines. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/living-with-mum-and-living-with-dad-my-two-homes-a-reassuring-lift-the-flap-story-about-separation-and-divorce-for-very-young-children-age-2-6-melanie/73ab77b982d867ac
- Something to watch: Co-parenting after a separation | Place2Be’s Parenting Smart, Place2Be, YouTube. Short advice on co-parenting after separation: keeping children out of the middle, consistent routines across homes, and talking about the other parent with respect. www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBnfNaUPaA8
- Something to listen to: 211: How Do I Parent with an Ex Who Doesn’t Share My Values?, Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life, 36 min. Damour and Ninan take a parent’s question about co-parenting with an ex whose rules and values differ sharply, and how to protect children who move between two very different households. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/211-how-do-i-parent-with-an-ex-who-doesnt-share-my-values/id1525689066?i=1000699586205
Who else can help
The route that helps most here is usually the one that lowers the conflict, not the one that treats the child. Mediation first.
- A family mediator. Mediators help two parents reach their own arrangements about children and money, without going to court. In most cases you have to attend a first meeting about mediation before a court will hear you. Early, and before positions harden. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators by area. www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk
- Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
- Cafcass (for separating parents). The official body that advises the family courts about children. A free parenting plan you can fill in together, plain factsheets on what happens if you go to court, and a course on parenting apart. Early, before positions harden. The parenting plan is worth doing whether or not a court is ever involved. www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member
- Resolution. The body for family lawyers and mediators who sign up to a non-confrontational code. Free guides on separating with children, and a directory to find a member near you. When you need a lawyer or mediator and want one committed to keeping the temperature down. The guides are free; the professionals are not. The material on the site is free. Engaging a member for legal work is not. resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help
- Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
The full list for co-parenting, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/co-parenting/services
Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.
Everything the library holds on co-parenting
Go further
Quick tips
- Her Side of the HandoverThe moments either side of a handover are easier when her things are already in both homes, the goodbye is predictable, and nobody asks questions the minute she walks in.
- Telling the Children About the SeparationA child usually remembers the second conversation about a separation, when she asks what’s been on her mind.
- The Diary Across Two HousesA child living between two homes has a lot to keep track of, so give her a shared diary.
- The Handover at the DoorKeep the handover at the door short and factual, and have the adult conversations somewhere else.
- The Handover Cancelled at SixDon’t rush to fill the evening when the other parent cancels a handover at the last minute.
- The Rules That Vary Across HomesIf the bedtime is different at Dad’s, she’ll be alright.
- Two Birthdays, Two ChristmasesAgree the year’s special days with the other parent in advance, so she is never the one who has to choose.
- When She Does Not Want to GoFind out what’s behind it before you decide anything, and if it’s about her safety, act on it that day.
- When the Other Parent Does Not RingIf the other parent misses a promised call, it falls to you to help your child through the evening.
- When the Step-Parent Acts as ParentIf it grates when your new partner disciplines your child, sort it out between the adults.
Quick tips open with a subscription.
Things to do together
Activities open with a subscription.
