Separation and divorce

Some tips to try

Short pieces from the library, and a first thing to try from each.

• Her Side of the Handover. The moments either side of a handover are easier when her things are already in both homes, the goodbye is predictable, and nobody asks questions the minute she walks in.
  • Keep what she needs at both homes, so she packs only what matters to her.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/her-side-of-the-handover
• Telling the Children About the Separation. A child usually remembers the second conversation about a separation, when she asks what’s been on her mind.
  • Have the conversation together, in one room, calmly and briefly.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/telling-them-together-where-you-can
• The Diary Across Two Houses. A child living between two homes has a lot to keep track of, so give her a shared diary.
  • Print a colour-coded week on the fridge at her eye level.
  theparentbook.com/quick-tips/the-diary-across-two-houses

The rest of each tip, with more to try and why it works, is in the library.

Something to do together

The week on the fridge. Her week across two homes, drawn in colour with her and put up at her eye level, so that she does not have to keep it all in her head.

What it is for. A child living between two homes often keeps the week in her head: which house, which night, who collects. If the adults keep it on paper where she can see it, she does not have to.

• The first step. Agree the dates between the adults first, where you can, and not in front of her. The sheet shows what has been decided.

Safety. Where there are safety concerns about contact, keep addresses and details off the sheet, and do not post photographs of it. If it moves to her phone, share it only with the adults, and check that it shows no location.

When to get help. Some upset around handovers is a normal part of grief and change, and so is some reluctance to leave either home. If she seems frightened to go, notice what she says in her own words, do not question her or ask her to choose, and talk to your GP or her school. If she comes back hurt, tells you that someone is hurting her in either home, or tells you that she does not want to be alive, stay calm, thank her for telling you, do not promise to keep it secret, and act that day, using the routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page. If she is withdrawing from friends or school, or her mood has been low for several weeks, talk to your GP and her school.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

If you want to read further

• When Parents Separate. For parents in the middle of a separation who are watching closely to see how their child is coping. theparentbook.com/reader/separating-what-your-child-is-doing-with-it
• The Conversations Parents Avoid. For parents who need to tell their child something hard and don’t know how to start. theparentbook.com/reader/the-conversations-parents-avoid

Worth your time

• A book for you: Parenting Apart, Christina McGhee. A calm, practical guide for separating parents, covering how to tell the children, what to expect at different ages, handovers, new partners, and keeping children out of adult conflict. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/parenting-apart-how-separated-and-divorced-parents-can-raise-happy-and-secure-kids-christina-mcghee/acb84f4d87f2b7fc
• A book to read together: Mum and Dad Glue, Kes Gray. A boy sets out to buy glue to stick his parents back together, and learns that even if he cannot mend their marriage, their love for him is unbroken. Tender, funny and alert to a child’s wish to fix things. uk.bookshop.org/p/books/mum-and-dad-glue-kes-gray/4cd65e3afb92759f
• Something to watch: How do I help my child with difficult experiences such as divorce and separation?, Child Mind Institute, YouTube. How to tell children about a separation, what they need to hear, and how to support them through the changes that follow. www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Nyly4Dg8Oo
• Something to listen to: 153: Encore: How Do We Help Kids Through Divorce?, Ask Lisa: Untangling Family Life, 32 min. Lisa Damour on how children process divorce at different ages, helping them feel secure and loved, shielding them from parental conflict, and making sure they understand the break-up was not their fault. podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/153-encore-how-do-we-help-kids-through-divorce/id1525689066?i=1000641810472

Who else can help

This is not, in the first instance, a medical problem, so the first calls are not medical. Tell the school, so the adults around your child are watching. Get the practical layer moving. See the GP if your child’s distress persists beyond the weeks around the change itself.

• Your child’s school. The pastoral lead, the head of year, or the form tutor. Free, already knows your child, and often the quickest way to get something changed at school. Before or alongside anything else. A school cannot act on what it has not been told, and what you bring is often what it did not have.
• A family mediator. Mediators help two parents reach their own arrangements about children and money, without going to court. In most cases you have to attend a first meeting about mediation before a court will hear you. Early, and before positions harden. The Family Mediation Council lists accredited mediators by area. www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk

• Cafcass (for separating parents). The official body that advises the family courts about children. A free parenting plan you can fill in together, plain factsheets on what happens if you go to court, and a course on parenting apart. Early, before positions harden. The parenting plan is worth doing whether or not a court is ever involved. www.cafcass.gov.uk/parent-carer-or-family-member
• Coram Family Lives. A free, confidential helpline for any parenting or family worry, by phone, live chat, WhatsApp or email, staffed by trained family support workers. When you need to talk it through with someone, about your child or about how you are managing, and you do not need a specialist to do it. Coram Family Lives helpline 0808 800 2222 · Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; weekends 10am-3pm; closed bank holidays · Live chat and WhatsApp 07441 444125 at the same hours; email askus@coramfamilylives.org.uk · Outside those hours the line is closed. Samaritans answer at any hour on 116 123, and Shout answer if you text the word SHOUT to 85258. www.coramfamilylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline
• Resolution. The body for family lawyers and mediators who sign up to a non-confrontational code. Free guides on separating with children, and a directory to find a member near you. When you need a lawyer or mediator and want one committed to keeping the temperature down. The guides are free; the professionals are not. The material on the site is free. Engaging a member for legal work is not. resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help

The full list for separation and divorce, with what each organisation does and when it is the right call, is at theparentbook.com/help/separation-divorce/services