Learning something new, badly, together

About 10 minutes, for ages 7 to 18.

The activity

Each of you takes up something none of you can do, and practises it where the others can see. There is no show at the end.

What it is for. A perfectionist child has often never seen the adults she loves be bad at something and keep going. Watching you learn something badly, and stay calm about it, shows her that being a beginner is normal.

The first step. Each of you picks one simple skill that none of you has, using what is already in the house: juggling rolled-up socks, whistling with two fingers, drawing a horse.

Safety. Nothing small enough to swallow where there are children under three: socks, not balls.

When to get help. If her fear of getting things wrong is stopping her from starting work, sleeping or going to school, or her mood has been low for several weeks, talk to her school and your GP. In a teenager, changes in sleep, appetite, friendships, or how she talks about food or her body, lasting for several weeks, are a reason to see the GP. The routes under “If you need help right now”, at the foot of every page, are for when it cannot wait.

The other four steps, and your part in it, are in the library.

It goes with

Perfectionism. For parents whose child can’t bear to get anything wrong.
When They Stop Talking to You. For parents whose teenager hardly talks to them any more.

The first chapter you open here is free to read in full.

Free on this subject

Perfectionism. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.
Self-esteem. What to do first, what helps, and who else can help. Free to read and to print.

The rest of the library

The Parent Book is a library written by therapists: chapters on the situations parents bring to our therapy rooms most often, quick tips for tonight, things to do together, and every sheet to print. One subscription opens all of it, from the day you join.

Subscribe to the library

£129 a year, by Direct Debit.

The Direct Debit is set up now and the first payment is taken on the next collection date. It renews each year on the anniversary of that payment. Change your mind in the first fourteen days and we refund you in full; after that, you can cancel at any time from your account page and read to the end of the year you have paid for.

Start your subscription

Already a subscriber? Sign in School staff: the teachers’ shelf

If you need help right now

If you or your child is in immediate danger: 999 · Go to your nearest A&E · 24/7.
If either you or your child is in a mental health crisis: NHS 111 · England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000 · 24/7.
If your child is under 19 and needs to talk to someone themselves: Childline · 0800 1111 · 24/7 · www.childline.org.uk.
If you are worried that a child is being harmed or is at risk: NSPCC Helpline · 0808 800 5000 · Mon-Fri 10am-4pm by phone; email 11am-4pm, seven days a week. An email sent when the service is closed is not received. · email help@nspcc.org.uk · www.nspcc.org.uk/about-us/our-services/nspcc-helpline · If the NSPCC service is closed and the concern cannot wait, call the police on 101. You can also contact the child’s local out-of-hours children’s social care, social work or social services team. If a child is in immediate danger, call 999.
If you would prefer to text rather than speak: Shout · Text SHOUT to 85258 · 24/7 · giveusashout.org.
If you or someone you are worried about needs someone to talk to: Samaritans · 116 123 · 24/7 · www.samaritans.org.

If you need help right now

Published by Kensington Square Therapy. Company No. 16707111. Written by therapists registered with the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) and the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS). This page is not therapy, and not a substitute for professional support. The full library is at theparentbook.com.