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Urgent help

Urgent help · A path through, question by question

Asking Your Child About Suicide

Asking plainly does not put the idea there. It gives your child a way to answer.

Kensington Square Therapy

Your child has said, “Everyone would be better off without me,” or, “I don’t want to be here.” Your mind starts translating at once. They are tired. They do not mean it like that. I will make it worse if I say the word. Work through these six questions in order.

  1. Question 1 Has your child taken anything, or is something happening right now that you dare not walk away from?

    • Do this now

      Yes, or you are not sure

      If they are unconscious, hard to wake, not answering you, struggling to breathe or having a fit, call 999 now and do not drive them. Put the phone on speaker. Look at their breathing and tell the handler what you see; if you are not sure, the handler will work it out with you, and will say whether to turn them onto their side or start chest compressions. Stay with them. Otherwise call 999 or go to A&E now, even if they seem completely well, and whatever they have taken, ordinary painkillers included. Some things do their harm hours or days later. Take the packet or the bottle. Do not try to make them sick, and do not give them anything to eat or drink. If you cannot get them there, call 999. If they will not go, call 999 and say so.

      The rest of this page can wait until they are safe.

    • No

      Then question 2: Ask plainly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” What did they say?

  2. Question 2 Ask plainly: “Are you thinking about suicide?” What did they say?

    • Yes

      “Thank you for telling me. I’m staying with you. We’re going to get help.” Then ask: “Have you taken anything tonight, or hurt yourself?” Do not press them for a reason or try to talk them out of what they have said. Let them tell you more if they want to. Do not promise to keep it secret. If they ask who you will tell: “Only the people who can help keep you safe. I’ll tell you who before I tell them.”

      Then question 3: Have they taken anything, or hurt themselves, tonight?

    • No, a shrug, silence, or ‘I was joking’

      “All right. I’m glad I asked. I’ll stay a bit. And if that ever changes, come and tell me.” If they are angry, that is not a no. Do not press them into a different answer. If you are still worried, work through the rest of this page as though they had said yes.

      Then question 3: Have they taken anything, or hurt themselves, tonight?

  3. Question 3 Have they taken anything, or hurt themselves, tonight?

    • Do this now

      They have taken something, or you are not sure

      If they are unconscious, hard to wake, not answering you, struggling to breathe or having a fit, call 999 now and do not drive them. Put the phone on speaker. Look at their breathing and tell the handler what you see; if you are not sure, the handler will work it out with you, and will say whether to turn them onto their side or start chest compressions. Stay with them. Otherwise call 999 or go to A&E now, even if they seem completely well, and whatever they have taken, ordinary painkillers included. Some things do their harm hours or days later.

      Take the packet or the bottle. Do not try to make them sick, and do not give them anything to eat or drink. If you cannot get them there, call 999. If they will not go, call 999 and say so.

      The rest of this page can wait until they are safe.

    • They have hurt themselves

      Ask to see it, even if they have covered it up, and look properly. If they are bleeding heavily, unconscious or hard to wake, or you are frightened, call 999 now and do not drive them. If they have put anything round their neck, call 999 even if they seem completely well and there is little to see: injuries to the neck can get worse over the next few hours. If it is not that, it still needs looking at tonight, not in the morning. Go to A&E, or ring their GP surgery and follow the out-of-hours message. The page You Have Found a Self-Harm Injury takes you through the injury, question by question.

      Then question 4: Are they with you now?

    • Do this now

      They will not say, or you cannot tell

      Ask again, and ask to see. If they will not show you, or you are not sure whether they have swallowed something, treat it as a yes. Call 999 or go to A&E now, and follow Do this now above.

      The rest of this page can wait until they are safe.

    • Not tonight

      If they tell you they swallowed something earlier in the week, that still needs seeing tonight: go to A&E, even if they have seemed fine since. If it is a wound you have not seen, look at it, and ring their GP surgery or the out-of-hours service tonight rather than in the morning.

      Then question 4: Are they with you now?

  4. Question 4 Are they with you now?

    • In the room with you

      Stay with them: that comes first. Then the medicines, ordinary painkillers included, and any alcohol. Out of the house, locked away, or handed to another adult. Keep your child with you while you do it, or do it while they are in the room. If there is anything else in this house you would not want them to be alone with tonight, it goes where they cannot get to it. Tell them what you are doing and why: this is about safety, not punishment. You do not need to go through their things.

      Then question 5: Who is staying with them tonight?

    • Somewhere else

      Stay on the line. Keep them talking. If they will not pick up, keep trying. If you do not know where they are, or you are frightened they are in immediate danger, call 999. If you can, get another adult to them, or ask someone beside you to call 999 while you keep talking. If they board, ring the school now and ask for the safeguarding lead or whoever is on duty tonight.

      Then question 5: Who is staying with them tonight?

    • They have just walked out

      Go with them, or stay where you can hear them. If they have shut the door, keep talking to them through it. If they said yes to you earlier, or you cannot see or hear them, call 999.

      Then question 5: Who is staying with them tonight?

  5. Question 5 Who is staying with them tonight?

    • I can

      Decide where everyone sleeps before you are tired. You do not have to stay awake watching them. Close enough to hear is enough.

      Then question 6: What happens tonight, and what happens next?

    • Another adult can share the night, or take over

      Agree now who is awake when, rather than at three in the morning. Do not leave them alone overnight.

      Then question 6: What happens tonight, and what happens next?

    • There is nobody else, or I cannot keep this safe on my own

      Ring tonight. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Say that you are on your own with them and cannot keep them safe until morning. That is the sentence that gets you help. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe. NHS 111 may not be able to send anyone out, but it can advise you and arrange an urgent assessment. Lifeline can talk it through with you and refer you on. You can also ring their GP surgery, follow the out-of-hours message, and ask for an urgent mental-health assessment tonight. If you are not sure what to move out of the house, say so and ask them to go through it with you. Do not leave them alone overnight. Decide where you will both sleep. If you cannot keep them safe while you wait, call 999. Needing help with this is not a failure. It is what these lines are for.

      Then question 6: What happens tonight, and what happens next?

  6. Question 6 What happens tonight, and what happens next?

    • Tonight

      Ring tonight if they said yes, and ring anyway if they said no and you are still worried. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe. You do not need your child to make the call.

    • The next working day

      Tell their GP, whatever else you have done tonight, and say on the phone that it is about suicidal thoughts. If your child is at school, tell the school’s safeguarding lead as well, and if they board, tell the school tonight. The school is part of what happens next, not a substitute for tonight’s call.

    • And if your child is 18 or over

      Tonight’s call still applies. England, Scotland and Wales: call 111 and choose the mental-health option. Northern Ireland: call Lifeline on 0808 808 8000. Help is free, confidential and available at any hour. Whoever answers may share information to arrange care or keep someone safe. Services may not be able to tell you about their care without their consent. Services can still listen to what you tell them, and act on it if they think there is a risk to life. Ask what help your child will accept. If they would rather talk to someone themselves, Samaritans takes a call from anyone at any hour, and the number is at the foot of this page. If they are in immediate danger, call 999.

You do not have to decide how serious this is on your own. Stay with them and make the call.

Kensington Square Therapy is a specialist therapy service for the independent school sector and the editorial home of The Parent Book. The Parent Book is written by qualified therapists registered with the BACP and NCPS, drawing on over a decade of clinical work with children, young people, parents, and schools across the prep and senior school years.

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